01/30/09 - FINALLY EXPLODING

01/30/09
Dear journal,
I have so much to say to you right now. I am soooo pissed off at them!!!!!
Ever since I got here to LV, the only time I was ever happy was when I first arrived off of the airplane, when I met Achilles again, when I went to cool blue talent, when I got my own room, and basically just being out the house. Today I am just filled with stress and anger. I thought everything was going to go great, but I was wrong. I don’t have my own life. With out it I have no time to make friends. The only friends I have are the ones my sister introduced me to, but they’re HER friends. Still leaving me friendless.
Oh, wait... I have Sharon, and that’s it. I'd consider Kevin, and Keshia, but I assume that after they found out that I have to baby-sit every Friday thru Sun. They just stopped calling me. ITS SAD!!!
I am soooo pissed about being told to do this and that almost every second.
I don’t mind watching and taking care of Achilles, but I feel that too much is too much, I don’t even have time for my own self. They freaking use me to do little things, like change his diapers, grab his bib, etc… I understood that my life would be a bore, but THIS? this is too much. I was warned by my Aunty Traci, not to come because she said my life here is going to be a disaster, but I ignored her warnings, and now look! I’m living a nightmare.

Frick! Even when I’m sleeping I don’t even have a good time. You Know why? Cuz I have no bed!!!! shit, they making me sleep on the floor, and it fucking hurts my back
leaving me restless as hell. I understand they broke, but come ON! Its January already. I’ve been here for a while now. Don’t they think its ridiculous!? Cuz I do. Shit, I don’t say wait to them when they need me to do the little things they slack.
No wait, I correct my term, I don’t even have the equality to input my voice or opinion, what ever she says goes.
EXAMPLE: I’m resting in my room and doing my thing, she or he just barges in my door and ask if I can watch over Achilles, and bam! They don’t even wait to hear what I have to say, they just fucking walk out, and do their thing. Like Aladdin for instants… What makes him soooo special that he can have his spare time at the gym, or 24 hour fitness. The last time I fucking checked, Dude was the one who made the baby with my sister, his the fucking father of the kid. Yet he lingers the world as if he has no fucking child.

Than there was January 12, 2009. They took me to go job hunting. YEH YEAH! Shit I was fucking rushed by them again. All because one was grouchy and tired, and the other HAD to go to the gym to fulfill his daily routine. SHIT, the next time they set a day for me to go job hunting? Make sure they fucking care about it, or at least pretend that they care to take me out… Today I still think that, that day was a false. They only took me out was because ALADDIN was hungry, and when he‘s hungry, he gets grouchy, what ever. So we went to eat Garlic Chicken.
Shit, Only three places I applied at, and when we were at Town Square Mall, I had to rush it into ever store and ask for application…. Let me tell you something, that’s not how it goes. When you want a job, or if you want them to at least consider your application? You’ll need the most time in the world to suck it up to whom ever is working. That way he or she could actually keep your application, or lend it to a manager. GASH!!!!
Another thing… Don’t fucking promise me Fake ass shit just soooo I can move here to Las Vegas. I was promised Mon-Thursday as my days off. SO FAR? NADA. I was promised that she was going to pay me. NADA. I understand that she/he cooks dinner for me, but lets not head into this topic just yet. I was promised to have an easy time to receive a job. She told me that it was not going to be a problem. She threw all these people that she said she knew of, at cool working places that I would love. Now? I’m fucking here, and blamed that I cant find a job. SHIT, if I knew this? I wouldn’t leave my life back home. She says I don’t keep my words. Fuck that, I kept all my words soooo far. Top of that, I’ve been soooo selfish to myself since I’ve lived here, all my opinions and my freedom was basically disabled because I force myself to respect her, even when their fucking wrong. I have never been soooo emotionally disabled like this before.

I know I promised to take care of Achilles, he means the world to me, but I don’t know If I can handle any of these bull crap any longer.
Like I said before, I’ve been selfish to myself, just to make other peoples live happier. If I had all the money, or just a job right now? I wont ever stay in this house. I’d explore Vegas. But than again I don’t have my License. Shit, I bet the only reason he took me to go and get my permit was because I was going to attend school, and that he was going to be too lazy to drop me off to school and now that I am not attending the school, he doesn’t even attempt to teach me to drive like he said he will. Shit man! Now the advantage is all on them. They assume I have no life.

About the dinner thing…shit, TRUE, I don’t cook the full course. But I fucking help cook and process, I clean the house, I make the rice, most of the time I take the trash out, I wash the dishes for heavens sake! What does that ass hole do? He fucking just sits and orders me to do them little things, or he just sits and study his promotion thingy. I even wash his fricking Protein bottle without him having to ask. Yet no fucking thank you. Shit, and she expects me to say thank you to him?
Every damn night when they come home, Do they thank me on taking care of Achilles? NO! they say shit! Than they have the nerve to fucking ask me if I did things right! Like “Oh did you feed him?” “How much times did he eat?” “Did he sleep?” “Did he change his diapers?” WHAT THE FUCK!? No DUH!!! And yeah I kissed his ass too? Is that good enough? Shit they probably don’t know this but, THEY’RE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME, and they’re having too much fun over it. With me, Aladdin can do his things. Yes I am mad at my sister, but she and I does most of the things since I’ve got here. The NERVE he says he has to cater to us! FUCK HIM, Were the ones who have to cater to him. Yeah he is the man of the house, but shiet, My Sister pays the bills too, her paycheck goes to your fucking car payment, her school life is discontinued because she has a baby with you! YOU TWO ARE HAVING TOO MUCH FUN.


I’m over this…. When June comes? I’m going home. I’m soooo sorry to myself that I’m giving up soooo soon, but I have enough. I need my life. There’s no such thing as Mon-Thursday. At least I can say I gave Vegas a try. If people my age is going through what I’m going through? They’ll know where I’m coming from…. There’s never going to be a life, with just the time space, and amount I got. My acting career is not even going to happen, with them forcing me to stay home. I cant even step out the darn house.


I am Sorry Achilles Ramos. I love you Soooo Much but Uncle can’t live like this for long. I’m going to die at a young age. I’m tired of lying to my friends back home that I’m having the time of my life. Their expectations are too much. I TOO HAVE A LIFE THAT I OWN, A DREAM THAT I WANT TO SET, and THIS IS NOT WHERE I WANT TO START, PLUS; I am not getting younger by the second.


Nicky Jo Thamdy